Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Time Out

So this is going to be a long entry but please bear with me. After days (and months I think) of thinking, I have finally decided to be away from social media except my blog and Twitter.

The past few years since the year I graduated have been a roller coaster ride for me. It's funny for a person who would always remind one another to stay positive has to make such decision to remain optimist again. To be honest, it has never been easy for me. With so many things on my plate, I need to find balance in my life again. This is never new to me because I had gone through the same thing too before.

As much fun as social media can give, it can also be a scary place to stay. Being a public figure that I am now, never once I thought I would be needing time to refresh myself from the toxic the social media gave me.

I hate to admit it but that's the ugly truth.

It was fun when it all started. From taking #OOTD (outfit of the day) photos to scenic view, editing it, to deleting the photos because it doesn't go well with the feed and many more. I began Instagram-ing when I was still in my overweight state. At that time, I had no idea that my Instagram would be the way it is now. With thousands followers following me, I can feel the pressure. The social pressure is real and it's just too much for me to handle. People wanting to see more of you, admiring you, and you starting to think that you've done a good job by inspiring others but the truth is..not everyone likes you. Then comes the evil eye and you start to feel like you're not good enough. Before you knew it, you have changed a lot from who you were before.

I have had moments in my life where I went through some big changes in life. I was happy and overweight, sad and overweight, then I changed to a completely different person, happy and healthy to now being a happy-sad overweight person. In the midst of handling the pressure of looking good and trying to keep up with everyone else, I have lost myself. I no longer feel the fun and enjoyment of taking photos. Even if I did, it was no longer because of passion.

I remember one day, a young girl came to me and asked a question that left me thinking for days. The question was — how did you manage to get thousands of followers? Not worrying about her disappointing examination results, she even mentioned about being famous and tried so hard to take selfies. I was shocked. It bothered me to a point where I question myself what kind of influencer I am? From the first day I started blogging, my aim has always been to inspire young girls to become a woman with beauty and brain. A highly intellectual woman is in top notch, beauty is a bonus. In my younger days, I was challenged by my father because I was too feminine and into fashion but my school performance was not something to be proud of. I wanted to change that and prove that there is nothing wrong on being beautiful, stylish and intelligent. A woman with a desire to look beautiful can also be a genius. But that day – that day I really felt like a failure.

To be looked up to as a woman who inspires young girls to be famous by posting tons of selfies on social media is the total opposite of my aim. An ‘achievement’ that I am not proud of. It's not healthy for them, just as much as it's not healthy for me. I'm starting to realise that these young girls are no longer looking at the value of being smart as the main ambition to achieve in life but famous and popularity. Knowing that I've been looked up to because of my popularity is sick. Hence, the reason why I decided to be away from social media.

You can have thousands or millions of followers, but that doesn't mean the whole thousands or millions are a fan of yours. Some people will follow you just to see how you're doing in life while some are just waiting for your downfall. When I was in Australia, I was surrounded by positive people. At that time, I thought it was impossible for people to dislike me because I didn't do anything wrong to anyone. But as time goes by, I've learned that even if you have never done anything wrong to anyone, there are those whose hearts are filled with jealousy and enviness.

I feel sorry for the pressure that our young girls feel these days. Seeing other ‘perfect’ girls flaunting their beauties, showing off their skills on wearing makeup (for example) and exposing too much of their bodies on social media will only create more self-confidence issue among those who are considered as ‘the ugly duckling’. There will be more of unhealthy competitions among them. No doubt that the number of depressed young girls is increasing. These girls can be so much more than just a person who tries to get noticed by the public. There are far more valuable things in life that you can achieve other than trying to gain attention. Unfortunately, it's not healthy.

I don't have better ways or words to express my thoughts and concern on this. But I believe in order to change people, I have to change myself first. Just like I said earlier, I'm fighting my own battle. By giving myself some space to heal, I can slowly regain my self-esteem. Hopefully, insha'Allah.

Now I understand more about humbleness. You can have everything for now but Allah can take it back in a split second. So if you're going through the best time of your life, remember to always remain humble.

Before I put an end to this post, I'd like to sincerely apologise for all of my wrongdoings. May Allah ease this trial for me. As for now, I will share more updates in my blog and Twitter. Insha'Allah.

Lastly,
Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir and Batin.





2 comments:

  1. I feel u ieka. We are totally the same. I was fat then i lost 20 kgs. That was the best day of my life. Life is not always beautiful, i gain weight back though its not as fat as how i used to be. I lost self confidence, refuse to meet friends and havent uploaded new pics for a long time. at one point, i told myself how long am i gonna be like this? I lost myself thats the saddest part, also i told myself beauty is confidence. Anyone will be beautiful when they are confident. I hv seen many chubby girls yet they look very confident in everything they do, from taking selfies to full ootd. I hv been following you for ages and i noticed your changes as well. From a chubby to a skinny girl, now you are gaining weight back. Its okay ieka, take it as a motivation to lost weight. I know the second time is the hardest cuz i hv tried as well. I think you are just thinking too much about others perceptions on you.. dont worry about it ika. We never can be perfect all the time. Confidence is the key.i pray you and I will reach our ideal weights again.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words my dear. It means a lot to me, really. It's a tough journey, yes, but i'm starting to find that balance again. Being away from social media helps a lot. Hopefully, i'll be able to lose weight again soon. Insha'Allah. Jazakillah khayr for taking time to write to me. You're a kind person ♥️

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