Thursday, July 6, 2017

I Miss Her

I miss this girl.

She used to be happy in her own way, positive in life, optimist about her future, calm and strong when facing obstacles and challenges. Sadly, I am not that girl anymore. For those of you who wonder what exactly happened that causes me to decide to be away from social media – the main reason is because I am not happy with myself now. My issue is body weight and it has always been my longtime battle in life.

When I was at the happiest phase in life, I promised myself not to repeat the way I used to live before – eating too much of fast food, avoiding my friends because I didn't feel comfortable meeting them, listening to sad songs all day long etc. Unfortunately, I forgot my promise and it led me to where I am now – in an unhappy state. I've tried to lift myself up again but it didn't take long before I decided to give up. I have lost my inner strength. Or maybe I still have it in there – but it decreases.

Before I became this anxious, I didn't even care about what people think about me. I would shut my ears and live my life the way I pleased. But these days, life seems to be far more challenging than I can possibly endure. I've becoming more aware of public perceptions toward me. It reaches to a point where I'm too scared to read my followers' comments about my physique on social media. Worse – sometimes I would cry myself to sleep at night.

There are some parts of my life that I'm thankful for the blessings I've received. These blessings keep me going. But as a human being, I'm vulnerable too. There are times when I feel like I'm too weak to go through life. Moments where I feel like I'm not good enough.

I know I have to start somewhere to help myself. So I decided to find the cause of my negative thoughts. I realised that all these are coming from social media. I cannot love myself by comparing my physical look to other people. I cannot love my uniqueness by competing with other girls' uniqueness. I have to stop competing and ‘being’ them. I need to appreciate myself and value my uniqueness. Maybe from this post, you will begin to understand what I meant by ‘not healthy’ on my previous posts.

Maybe this could be the start of something good in my life. Insha'Allah. In fact, I have always missed writing in this blog. As a note for myself and for everyone who reads this, embrace your uniqueness!

Good night.

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